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Rodina s agresívnym chlapcom

Posted on by poradna

Oslovili ma rodičia kvôli problémom s 8 ročným synom. Chlapec je agresívny a nerešpektuje žiadne pravidlá. Chlapec fyzicky aj slovne útočil na rodičov, odmietal vykonávať akékoľvek povinnosti a dodržiavať na čom sa dohodli. Na prvej konzultácii som si všimla že má chlapec veľa hnevu voči otcovi. Rodičia sa sťažovali že všetok svoj voľný čas trávi na telefóne alebo počítači. To sú symptómy navonok. Chlapec k obrázku traumatizovaného dieťaťa dokreslil IPAD a uviedol, že to je jeho jediný únik a bezpečie keď je otec prísny. Nechce byť stále na telefóne, chcel by viacej času tráviť s rodičmi ale bojí sa. Keď sa ho chcel otec na sedení dotknúť alebo mu niečo povedať, chlapec reagoval agresívne a odmietajúco. Sadol si k mame a položil sa jej do náručia, tá ho ochranársky objala. Napriek chlapcovmu vysokému intelektu uvádza že „Ja som zlý, za nič nestojím, kto by sa už so mnou chcel hrať.“ Takisto mi s výrazom zúrivosti v tvári povedal že „Ja otca zabijem, raz ho zabijem, nenávidím ho!“ Muž sa vtedy od neho odpojil čo bolo vidieť v reči tela aj vo výraze tváre, žena chlapca ešte viacej objala.

Chlapec sa vo vnútri cíti že za nič nestojí, nemá žiadnu cenu, nikto ho nemá rád. Agresivita vytvára predpoklad na traumatizáciu v najranejších vývinových obdobiach.

Nasledovala práca s rodičmi. Bohužiaľ, v tomto prípade išlo o tzv. racionálny vzťah. Žena vyrastala s násilným otcom ktorý bol zároveň závislý od alkoholu. Bolo pre ňu bezpečné byť vo vzťahu s mužom ku ktorému nič necíti, má ho rada, váži si ho, má vlastnosti a hodnoty ktoré jej vyhovujú. Žena k žiadnemu mužovi v minulosti nič necítila, to je jej bezpečie. Tak ako sa musela odpojiť od svojho otca, tak bola odpojená aj od partnerov. Otec ju nenaučil muža milovať ale báť sa ho a odpojiť sa od neho. V súčasnosti má pomer v ktorom sa prvý krát v živote cíti byť ženou. Pri manželovi si od prvej chvíle hovorila že sú dôležitejšie veci ako je chémia a sex, že to časom príde. Prišlo, ale až pri milencovi… Takémuto páru nemám ako pomôcť keďže tam zo strany ženy nebola láska. Je potrebné pomôcť im ako jednotlivcom a tak ochrániť a vyliečiť dieťa.


Muž vyrastal s matkou ktorá bola chladná. Nikdy mu city neprejavila. Matka bola znásilnená vo veľmi mladom veku. Nebolo to ošetrené takže sa u nej rozvinula depresia spojená s úzkosťami. Schopnosť napojiť sa na dieťa tak bola zničená.


Otec ich opustil keď mal muž 9 rokov. Fyzicky napadol matku, muž ju chránil a po otcovom odchode veľmi skoro prebral na seba rolu „partnera“ matky. Muž vyrastal v chlade a opustení. Dieťa to obráti proti sebe „Ak ma matka nechce a otec ma opustil, nie je niečo so mnou v poriadku. Ja za nič nestojím. Nie som milovaniahodný.“ Na to aby to prežil musel emócie úplne odstrihnúť. Tak, že si
všetko zracionalizoval, to znamená že hľadám dôvody a ospravedlňujem páchateľov, v tomto prípade rodičov. To bolí menej ako prežívať vlastné zranenia. Tie dostanem pod kontrolu hnevom.

Títo dvaja ľudia vstúpili spolu do partnerského vzťahu pretože jeden pre druhého predstavovali to v čom vyrastali a čo im bolo známe a vedia tak ako v tom majú fungovať. Muž si vybral odmietajúcu chladnú ženu, žena si vybrala agresívneho muža. Obaja od seba podvedome očakávali že dostanú to čo nedostali v detstve – lásku a bezpečie. Muž však od začiatku cítil že sa žena od neho odťahuje (tak ako mama), to spúšťalo staré zranenia ktoré sa aktivovali. Dostával ich pod kontrolu hnevom a ich popretím. Racionalizoval si to tak že hľadal vinu v sebe, vo vonkajších okolnostiach. Žene sa takisto spúšťali staré zranenia, strach z otca. Ešte viacej sa od manžela odpájala. Ich dieťa vzniklo v tomto, už v prenatálnom veku si vpečatilo strach, neistotu, presvedčenie že niečo nie je v poriadku so mnou ak ma odmietajú, nie som milovaniahodné. S tým sa ich syn narodil.

Po narodení syna sa žena upla naňho. Racionalizáciou hlbšieho zranenia začal muž na syna žiarliť a trestať ho. Bolo preňho menej bolestivé pripustiť si že ho žena nemiluje kvôli synovi ako prijať to že tam láska nikdy nebola. To že začal na syna žiarliť a aj ho za to trestať hovorí o hlbokom poškodení. Osobnosť muža nedozrela kvôli zraneniam z detstva. Začali sa útoky na ženu aj na syna. Žena sa ešte viacej uzatvárala.


Žena si našla milenca do ktorého sa neskôr zamilovala. Muž bol ochotný to akceptovať a zachovať vzťah a rodinu aj s pomerom svojej ženy, čo znova hovorí o hlbokých poškodeniach a nízkej sebaúcte.


Obaja si cez EMDR terapiu začali spracovávať svoje zranenia. Každý potreboval vyliečiť najskôr svoje vnútorné dieťa. Obaja si potrebovali spracovať svoje strachy. Muž mal ako obrannú reakciu útok, žena únik. Začali tak vnímať aj pocity svojho syna. To čo mu spôsobovali a kvôli čomu tak reagoval. Mohli mu dať len to čo sami mali – nízku sebaúctu, neistotu, strach a presvedčenie že nie je milovaniahodný. Postupne sa obaja liečili. Nadobudnutá sebaúcta priniesla schopnosť v pokoji
a otvorene ukončiť manželstvo ktoré bolo od začiatku dysfunkčné. Muž si začal hľadať cestu k synovi. S chlapcom sme spracovávali cez EMDR jeho zranenia. Tu bolo potrebné pracovať aj s dieťaťom nakoľko bola traumatizácia už od prenatálneho vývinu. Chlapcovi sa vyplavovali hnevy a strachy čo dočasne akoby zhoršilo jeho stav. Rodičia spolupracovali a boli vedení v tom ako majú na
vyplavované hnevy a strachy reagovať.

Z chlapca je dnes zdravé dieťa ktoré má prejavy správania prirodzené jeho veku. Rodičia si našli nových partnerov. Vedia sa dohodnúť a spolupracovať na tom čo je pre chlapca najlepšie. Vyliečilo sa prostredie a tak sa vyliečilo aj dieťa.

poradna

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